from items published in the
Newspapers
(See the category index for more.)

from the New York Times,
published in the Star Tribune July 1, 2003

Why do too many Americans derogate as losers those parents who put family ahead of career, or smack their lips reading about celebrities who switch spouses for fun? Why do we turn to the government for succor, to movie porn and violence for sex and thrills, to the Internet for companionship, to the restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner—when those functions are the ties that bind families?

I used to fret about same-sex marriage. Maybe competition from responsible gays would revive opposite-sex marriage.

The celebrated portrait painter Stuart, once met a lady in the street in Boston, who saluted him with “Oh, Mr. Stuart, I have just seen your miniature, and I kissed it, because it was so much like you.” “And did it kiss you in return?” “Why, no!” “Then,” said Stuart, “ ’twas not like me.”

Star Tribune, November 20, 2005

Star Tribune, March 24, 2005

A large portion of the materials on plagiarism on the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh’s Writing Center website was revealed in February to have been taken verbatim from Purdue University’s Web page on plagiarism.

Star Tribune, October 12, 2006

At the Wimbledon Magistrates’ Court in England in July, Andrew Curzon was charged with wrongfully attempting to cash a neighbor’s pension-adjustment check in the equivalent of about $220,000. The explanation by Curzon (who is a law student) is that he has “dyspraxia,” which renders him unable “to engage in logical thinking.”

Star Tribune, January 17, 2008

Arthur Cheney, 64, was arrested near Marysville, Calif., in December driving a car that had been spotted at a bank robbery. On the center console of the car, officers found a yellow “sticky” note with a handwritten “Robbery — 100s and 50s only.” Said an officer, “We call that a clue.”

Star Tribune, December 6, 2008

Additional category: Computer programming

Facing a state budget crisis in July, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger fired about 10,000 temporary and part-time workers and ordered the 200,000 permanent employees to be paid only the minimum wage of $6.55 an hour until the Legislature passed a crisis-solving budget. However, a week later the state controller pointed out that state payroll records could not be changed to accommodate the cut because they were written in the antiquated COBOL computer language and virtually the only state employees who knew the code were some of the part-timers Schwarzenegger had just fired.

“Tidbits”,
July 15, 2004

“Tidbits”,
March 16, 2006

Long ago, when young pre-Mr. Tidbit was living with his parents and grandmother, a friend dropped by during dinner. Offered something to drink, he got a bottle of beer from the refrigerator. Mr. Tidbit’s grandmother, noting that there was already “white soda” (something like 7UP) on the table, said “White soda and beer: That’s a Cincinnati.” His friend shrugged, poured beer and soda into a glass and took a drink.

“This is terrible!” he said.

“I didn’t say it was good,” said Mr. Tidbit’s grandmother; “I said it was a Cincinnati.”

“Uncle Al has the key, if only he could find it”,
April 17, 2006

Uncle Al has been mislaying stuff alarmingly often. (See “Father’s will, Where did I hide my?”, “Funnels, Where the #%@ are all the?” and “Organization expert, A visit from the,” all in “OeuvrePaid,” the unpublished index of his works-for-hire.)

“OK by him: English as a non-language”,
January 1, 2007

Responding to the New Year’s invitation to start fresh, Uncle Al has decided not to be such a #*&* cynic — to notice more flowers and less of the manure they grow in. (But cynically, that does increase the chance he’ll step in it.)

For example, he is rethinking his view of the peculiar e-mails that appear to come from banks and credit-card firms [...]

Here’s part of one that Uncle Al received early last year:

“Good day, dear client!

“The January and Februray of 2006 were the most risky with fraud operations for Visa Internationals. Day by day hackers get confidential information of our clients and much people apply to us to safe them from money lost.”

Uncle Al has believed that grammar or spelling so dreadful, in e-mail ostensibly from a major financial institution, means it’s really from a crook. But with his resolve to be less cynical, he concedes that some such e-mails could be from major financial institutions that have uncommonly welcoming hiring practices.

“Tidbits”,
May 21, 2009

While Mr. Tidbit wasn’t paying attention, several brands of “uncured bacon” showed up in the refrigerator case, all boasting something along the lines of “no nitrates or nitrites added” (a reference to the chemicals usually used in curing bacon), and following up with something like this odd caveat: “Except for naturally occurring nitrates in celery powder.” Celery powder in bacon? Yes, apparently they add celery powder because it contains ... nitrates!

Star Tribune,
February 27, 2006

At their best, the Winter Games are strange. The definition of a winter sport is what your parents told you never to do — dance on ice, ski with guns, throw yourself off a mountain. What’s next, two-man running-with-scissors?

By Herón Márquez Estrada
Dec. 7, 2007

The clerk filled in the $18,900 proposed valuation, but then mistakenly hit the key to exit the program. The computer added four zeroes to fill out the nine numerical spaces required by the software, thus indicating the value was $189,000,000.

credited to “news services”
Nov. 1, 2008

In English, the road sign was just fine, warning drivers that the route ahead is not suitable for heavy trucks. But the translation in Welsh didn’t work so well. “I am not in the ofice at the moment. Please send any work to be translated,” it said. The Swansea Council said the error occurred when officials didn’t realize an e-mailed reply from a translator said he wasn’t available, and was not the wording to be used on the sign.

By Sarah Lemagie and Emily Johns
June 6, 2009

Minnesota needs to resolve its testing “wars,” Pekel said, so the state can move on to more important questions, such as how it can do a better job actually teaching students. As he put it, “Weighing the cow doesn’t fatten it.”

from the Los Angeles Times;
printed in the Star Tribune
February 7, 2009

During the shoot, Plies rapped in a room filled with fake cash. But when he threw the money in the air, he used a completely real stack totaling $10,000. You can study economics from books all you want, but unless you’ve been on a rap video set, you’re not going to know that fake money doesn’t throw right.

Star Tribune,
September 16, 2007

May 9, 2003
Universal Press Synd.
Copyright © 2003 The Washington Post

Politicians!

Losing sleep? It could be all that lobbyist money stuffed in your mattress! Increased reliance on old-fashioned hard money can create pressure points that can misalign your spine. But new lower-court-recommended unlimited soft money can help your spine to disappear altogether!

And here come the donors to get into bed with you.

from the Washington Post,
published in the Star Tribune August 4, 2003

Life has been called a series of habits disturbed by a few thoughts. Civil society is kept civil by certain habits of restraint. Inflammatory political ideas can overturn habits, sometimes for the better, usually not. But no discernible ideas, at least none that are more than appetites tarted up as ideas, account for the vandalism by political over-reachers of both parties.

Each vandal seems to think that his or her passions are their own excuse for existing. As Santayana said, such thinking is the defining trait of barbarians.

from the Washington Post,
published in the Star Tribune October 4, 2006

from the Washington Post,
published in the Star Tribune October 15, 2006

Sins can be such fun. Of the seven supposedly deadly ones, only envy does not give the sinner at least momentary pleasure. And an eighth, schadenfreude — enjoyment of other persons’ misfortunes — is almost the national pastime.

Speaking of baseball [...]