from
Comic Strips
by various artists and writers

Juliette:
I want to return to teaching....not full-time. But I want to come back.

interviewer:
When you stormed out of here, you said the trustees are slavering satyrs, the chancellor is a money-grubbing hologram, and that the students’ only potential contribution to society is as offal and sausage casing. You reviled the very ground upon which the university rests, suggesting that a well-aimed meteor, and enough salt to sow in its crater, would be just the ticket.

Juliette:
You memorized what I said?

interviewer:
We intone it at the beginning of faculty meetings.

student:
Professor Burber, I was just wondering, do you hold, as many of us do, that students have a right to expect certain grades just for attending a course?

Juliette:
You’re speaking of grade entitlement....and, yes, I’m one of its strongest proponents.

You’re entitled to an F.

TV:
Millions of Americans suffer from hypochondria. Now, help is available in “Symptaid”! Ask your doctor if “Symptaid” is right for you!

Side effects may include headache, muscle cramps, fatigue, anxiety, bloating, itching, dizziness, rash, irritability, joint pain, sleeplessness, dry mouth, vague discomfort...

Arlo:
I see your problem! This book makes bread-making sound like rocket science! Just mix up the dough, let it rise, bake it, learn, try again later!

Janis:
I know from experience, you’re most dangerous when you make the most sense.

Edison:
The way I see it, people can’t be selfless without selfishness. So, I’ve decided to be selfish so others can be selfless.

Joules:
I admire your selflessness.

Edison:
Someone’s gotta do it.

Dad:
See the jellyfish? They sometimes wash up on shore.

Alice:
Ooh!

Petey:
I think it’s plastic. It says not to put this bag over your head in English, Spanish, German, French, Russian...

Dad:
Oh.

Petey:
And Japanese.

Alice:
Who knew jellyfish spoke so many languages?

Alice:
I don’t get it. Why do dining room chairs have ladders on the back?

Petey:
The cavemen invented them.

Alice:
Huh?

Petey:
It used to be sometimes they didn’t cook the food very well and it’d come back to life and chase them. And they’d climb up the ladder to escape.

Alice:
Mom!

Petey:
Don’t ask Mom about it! You’ll awaken painful memories!

Ernesto:
If I seem subdued, it’s because my lycanthropy is playing havoc with my allergy to wolf dander.

My dad yells helpful encouragement to others in traffic. I’m not allowed in the car with him till I’m 18.

Asok:
The conference call was a huge success. Three out of 15 people were available and only one of them forgot to call in.

Pointy-haired Manager:
So it was a phone call between two people?

Asok:
It would have been if they hadn’t used the mute buttons.

Dilbert:
This budget would only work if the project encountered no problems whatsoever.

Manager:
So?

Dilbert:
All projects have unexpected problems. Therefore, this budget is almost certainly wrong.

Manager:
Leaders do not plan for failure.

Dilbert:
Do leaders make deceptive forecasts and later act shocked when things don’t work out?

Manager:
No. A leader first makes himself believe the lie, thus turning deception into an inspiring form of optimism.

Dogbert:
I decided to start a discount religion. The tithing would only be 5% and I’d let people sin as much as they wanted.

The only problem is that I don’t want to spend time with anyone who would join that sort of religion.

Manager:
Management is pleased to announce that it has a plan to make your pension fund solvent.

In unrelated news, the guidelines for workplace safety have been relaxed.

Dogberto:
My idea is to drape a huge tarp over the hideous scupture in the courtyard. My message will be that art is as much about the negative space as the positive.

Plus it’s not really art unless someone is winning.

Wally:
I heard the guy you voted for just confessed to having an affair with a squirrel.

Dilbert:
Shut up. The guy you voted for is being sued for choking his secretary.

Wally:
In some countries they don’t get a choice of who to vote for.

Dilbert:
I feel sorry for them.

Dilbert:
Can I ignore E-mail from people who don’t include my original message in their reply?

Dogbert:
Yes, and you can hate them, too.

Dilbert:
90% of happiness is picking the right ethicist.

Wally:
This week I mapped and gapped the requirements to consolidate everything into a program of work to maximize synergy capture and optimize our resource utilization.

If any of that sounded like work, I’ll do some more of it next week.

Manager:
We’re going to try something called agile programming. That means no more planning and no more documentation. Just start writing code and complaining.

Wally:
I’m glad it has a name.

Manager:
That was your training.

Stewie:
Drat! These pesky scientific facts won’t line up behind my beliefs!

Dr. Null:
Then challenge them, Stewie!

Stewie:
Holy flat-earther! It’s White House situational science adviser, Dr. Nathan Null!

Dr. Null:
That’s right, Stewie, and I’m here to remind you... Situational science is about respecting both sides of a scientific argument, not just the one supported by facts! That’s why I always teach the controversy! Like the evolution controversy, or the global warming controversy... Not to mention the tobacco controversy, the mercury controversy, the pesticides controversy, the coal slurry controversy, the dioxin controversy, the Everglades controversy and the acid rain controversy.

Stewie:
You’re right, situational scienceman ... I’ll never trust science again! It’s just too controversial!

Dr. Null:
Stewie gets it now, folks! Do you?

Mark:
On the GOP side, the three front-runners, Giuliani, McCain and Gingrich, have five divorces among them, four of them really messy, and all of them involving adultery. On the Democratic side, the three front-runners, Clinton, Obama and Edwards, have no divorces or infidelities. So my question is, which party best represents family values?

Interviewee:
The Republicans. They don’t support gay marriages.

Mark:
Nor their own, apparently.

Interviewee:
That’s private! That’s between a man and a woman and another woman, and sometimes one more woman!

Mark:
Sir, isn’t it true that your prisons are packed with minorities?

Trff Bmzklfrpz, President-for-Life of the Republic of Berzerkistan:
As are yours, I believe. And our numbers are modest, whereas your country has the highest incarceraton rate in the world!

Mark:
Yeah, but our inmates aren’t tortured!

Pres. Bmzklfrpz:
Excuse me?

Mark:
Damn... That used to be a gimme.

Pres. Bmzklfrpz:
Don’t worry. We’re all huge Jack Bauer fans.

Alex:
Kim! What do you know about robotics?

Kim:
Nothing. Why?

Alex:
Because apparently I know even less. Alphie has been a total bust! Why did I go with a dual-drive? We’ve only got an hour left, and the little bugger can’t go two feet without breaking down!

Alphie:
That’s it – blame the victim! Beep!

Alex:
I’m also starting to regret the A.I. chip!

Havoc:
Listen, Akbari, about your opium operation...

Akbari:
I know, I know, it helps fund the bad guys... But how else am I supposed to take care of my village? Kabul is inefficient and corrupt! No money ever reaches us!

Havoc:
There’s another way, partner... Hold on, it’ll come to me... Taxes! That’s it—taxes!

Akbari:
I don’t believe in them. Reagan changed my life.

Mark:
So what does the recession mean to those who had nothing before it hit? Good question... Here to help us sort it all out are our favorite homeless peeps, Alice and Elmont!

Elmont:
Nothing to sort out ... It’s been a nightmare!

Alice:
It’s the competition from all the newbies, Mark...

Elmont:
Our favorite dumpster behind the Ritz – totally spoiled!

Mark:
Spoiled?

Elmont:
It’s like losing a great trout stream! Worse, probably!

Professor:
Okay, Dusty! We’ll meet at 7p.m., tonight in the lounge to play cards! Can you remember that?

Dusty:
Can I remember that? I was supposed to have dinner with Boone last night at 7p.m., but I plumb forgot!

Sorry, Boone!

Boone:
Not a problem, Dusty! Luckily, I forgot you were coming over! I went to bed at 7 o’clock!

Evelyn (thinks):
Ahhh ... the social calendar at Elderpark...

Professor:
Today’s topic is “Man and Machines.” Some scientists think that one day computers will be able to think and reason like humans. Comments?

Boone:
No way!

Professor:
Why not, Boone?

Boone:
Because artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity!

audience:
Hear! Hear!

Professor:
So, how can you tell what you’re pulling up there?

Evelyn:
Simple. If it’s hard to pull, it’s a weed...

Professor:
Okay.

Evelyn:
If it comes out easily, it’s your favorite perennial.

Teacher:
Who can tell me what a subordinate clause is?

Billy:
One of Santa’s helpers!

Ellie:
Michael, there are some words that you just cannot say! I know you hear grownups using bad words sometimes, but that’s no reason for you to do the same!!

Michael:
That’s not fair. To me, they’re just words ... Grownups know what they mean!

Talk radio:
Listen to this one, folks: A grade school student is accused of shouting down his teacher in class!! Not that it matters, but you could probably imagine what ethnicity this kid is...

If we allow this savagery to continue, it will spell the end of America!!

Next up: A list of gun shops closest to where the President is speaking tonite!!

Mallard:
Oh, look!... the 456th E-mail I’ve gotten calling the “red states” “Jesus Land”....and/or stereotyping “red state” Americans as cavemen with low IQs.... For a bunch of people who say they “celebrate diversity and tolerance”...these liberals do a darn good bigot impression...